The one with the rant

"I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?"


This pretty much sums it up. Be the first to name the movie and I'll save you a seat next to me when I watch it on Thanksgiving.

The one with Regret

“To regret one's own experiences is to arrest one's own development. To deny one's own experiences is to put a lie into the lips of one's life. It is no less than a denial of the soul.” (Oscar Wilde)

Up until now, I’ve always said that I have no regrets in life. I always said that my experiences were what shaped me into who I am. Although I still believe that, I have known my first real feelings of regret. I have asked myself countless ‘what if’ questions and wondered how things could have been different, better. After considering the ‘what if’ questions, they seemed to me, as regret. I regret the way things happened thus needing to ask a ‘what if’. Depending on the context I suppose the regret, the ‘what ifs’, can either be a time for change in perspective, a time for learning and growth, a time of stagnation, or a time of cynicism.

“What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.” (Oscar Wilde)

I’m not saying that I’ve become a cynic; I’m only trying to gain some perspective.

“A man is not old until his regrets take the place of his dreams.” (Proverb)

Although I often feel old, I am attempting to not actually become old. At least not yet. I am trying hard to keep my dreams in tact while I try this whole different perspective thing. I am scared of my regrets replacing the things I long for, the things I hope for. I have an entire lifetime before me and I want to live it.

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” (Oscar Wilde)

In living and not merely existing, I am aware that ‘the truth is rarely pure and never simple.’ (Oscar Wilde) Truth, whatever that may actually be, is a whole other boat to possibly sail later. For now, I will choose to believe that ‘we are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.’ (Oscar Wilde) I love stargazing, so I think that’s a good sign.

Ps. I really adore Oscar Wilde.

The one with Del Mar, Day 3

Today’s morning ritual was different. There was no clashing or clanging and there was an alarm clock. I had to make sure I was up in time and prepared, both mentally and physically, for a walk. Before putting on my new purple Puma tennis shoes, Emily performed a little procedure on me. She popped a blister for me. It oozed and a band-aid promptly covered it up. Mark, Emily, and I all ate fruit and applied sunscreen (although apparently I didn’t apply near enough) before venturing out into the world.

We walked from the house, down along the beach, up through Torrey Pine, down through Torrey Pine along the beach, and back to the house. It was a long 6.5-mile walk. I was super proud of myself. I am not generally one for exercise and actually made it on our “hike”. I don’t think I even really slowed Mark and Emily down until the end of the journey. I kept up more than I anticipated I would.

When the walk was finished I collapsed as soon as I walked in the front door. Upon inspection of my feet, there was no blood and only one new blister. I traded out my Pumas for a pair of flip-flops and went along for the next adventure. We went to spend some time with Mark and Emily’s friends and their kids at their cute house.  One of the boys lost a tooth and the other got a time out. I ate a lot of M&Ms and even got some on my shirt, old school Emily style.

It was time for a trip to the grocery store, but yours truly opted out and went back to the house to nap some before the private yoga lesson. I completely conked out and didn’t rise again until the doorbell rang. It was Mark and Emily with all of their goodies from the grocery store. Now that I was up, I decided to play with Larry and Remy until the yoga instructor showed up. Just as I mentioned yesterday, I love how well Remy fetches. Larry was running around and being cute and playful too.

Finally the yoga instructor showed up. I had been warned that he has long hair and is somewhat of a hippie. I was, however, not ready to see a Hanson brother ready for yoga. He was a nice, young (I can say that even if he is only a year younger than me), and encouraging instructor. He gave praise when our postures looked good and encouraged and modeled when our postures and positions needed improvement. He seemed impressed with my flexibility when he learned that I’m a complete newbie to the whole yoga thing. I had to duck out of the session early to shower and pack in order to get to the airport on time, but first he showed me a more intense stretch. It involved facing a wall, putting my body up against it, spreading my arms out as if I were flying, turning my hips out from the wall, and facing one arm out perpendicular from the wall. I did that for both sides of my body and then another variation to the same stretch while Emily did the same on her mat. From the praise I got, I must have done fairly decent. I was nervous at first about having a private lesson and doing things incorrectly, but after awhile I became comfortable and actually enjoyed having the one on one and the chance to get to bend and stretch in the proper way. My new goal is to touch my toes when I stretch.

Shortly after showering and packing up, I was at the airport eating a really nasty little cheese pizza and waiting to board the plane. It wasn’t a long wait, although I did almost fall sleep. On the plane I sat in between a man (originally from KC, now living in San Diego, on his way to Topeka) and a woman (from KC, visiting San Diego). The conversations were light, fun, and informative. I like it when you are able to enjoy the company of strangers on a plane.

I have now arrived back home to KC 25 minutes early and am waiting for my ride. While I’ve been waiting I have had time to check out my massive, and kind of painful, farmers tan from the walk this morning. Aloe bed here I come…

The one with Del Mar, Day 2

The morning started off much the same as day one. There was a lot of banging and crashing. I found a note on the counter that Emily and Mark had gone on a walk and were out to breakfast. They were nice enough to bring me back a tasty muffin. I ate my muffin outside where the banging and crashing was not quite as deafening.

When there was no more muffin to consume and Emily loaned me a pair of shoes, she and I were off to La Jolla. She had an appointment to attend and I had plans for a walk to the water. I moseyed around a few shops (books, antiques, house wares, and souvenirs) on my way to the water. As I got closer and closer to the water I saw more and more people playing volleyball or playing catch. There was a lot of activity. Once I finally got to the water I snapped a few pictures, took some deep cleansing breaths, checked the time, and decided to head back up and meet Emily.

It was not long into the walk back that my feet started to ache a little. The shoes I had borrowed from Emily were slipping off and rubbing in a strange way. I struggled with them walking on the sidewalk, crossing the street, and standing still. Finally I had made it back to our meeting spot. I sat down, took my shoes off, and peeked at my feet. Yep, blisters. Big ones. One had popped already and was bleeding. The other was just big and painful. I felt like such a baby; I don’t know the last time I had to deal with blisters. I told Emily about the blisters and then we went home. We went home to get a change of shoes and to get Mark for lunch.

We ate lunch at a place called Naked Café and after we walked around some and bickered about not having a camera. We decided to poke around a few more shops and then it was to the Aquarium. My favorite thing at the Aquarium was the leafy and weedy sea dragons and I can almost guarantee that Emily’s favorite was the birthing video of the sea horses. We watched it a few times and then made Mark watch, too.

Next, we came back home to relax for a short time before beginning our evening fun. Mark used another cleaning agent on the dogs, the floors, the carpets, and well, everything. Emily went for a walk and I sat down to read a book outside but got distracted and played with the dogs instead. I am impressed at how well Remy fetches.

Our evening fun consisted of eating out and going to a Jewish played called ‘My Name is Asher Lev’. It was kind of long, but relatively good. There were a lot of words and expressions that I did not understand, but I was ok with it because when we got back home we got to eat some desserts. Emily had a cookie that tasted like a donut and I had a lemon cookie. Mark had us try some other goodies that I don’t remember the name of, but one had poppy seeds, one had prunes, and one had chocolate chips. I think my favorite of those was the poppy seed.

There were no big mishaps before bed tonight, only a short debate of whether or not Asher Lev was a real person. I am not sure that a decision was ever made. And now it’s dark, quiet, and time to sleep.

The one with Del Mar, Day 1

I woke up to drilling, hammering, shattering, and cursing. At least I was prepared. It was a fun way to start the morning; listening to grown men talk like high school hooligans.

I eventually decided to get out of bed. I showered, ate a hearty breakfast of shredded wheat, and headed out towards the beach. Luckily, Mark drew up a little map for me, so I had no problems making the short walk there. It was beautiful; just like I knew it would be. I will never grow old of the beauty of the sea, the sand, the smell, the waves, the shells, the sounds, the peace. I walked around for a bit taking it all in: watching people and imagining their stories, taking pictures, readings, and contemplating. I could have sat on my bench all day reading and watching, but I grew chilly and my toes were starting to itch from the sand.

Walking home was a bit more wearisome. Between the sand in my shoes, the hills, and the hunger ache in my belly the walk seemed to take forever. I totally did not mind because I was away from home, taking my first real adventure by myself, and the scenery was outrageous.

Upon returning back to the house, I heated my leftovers from the previous night, walnut and butternut squash ravioli. I would say I ate in peace, however, the drilling, hammering, shattering, and cursing was still going on. So instead, I played a game with myself and tried to hear my own thoughts. I’m not sure if I won or not.

After lunch, I was completely full and worn out, so I lay down. I watched Scrubs for a bit and somehow managed to fall asleep. I napped for a relatively long while despite all the commotion around me. When I woke up, Mark was back so we chatted and waited for Emily to come home.

Today is Larry dog’s 7^th birthday, so we had to keep the tradition going and take him to the pet bakery for some treats. He gobbled down a ‘hamburger’ and a beef flavored cupcake. He also ate his dinner when we got back to the house. Since the dogs had eaten, we decided that it was our turn.

We had Thai food that was, of course, super delicious. During dinner we shared an array of humorous family memories: silly Thanksgivings, Christmas plays, camping fiascos, and other fun adventures. After dinner it was decided that we next needed frozen yogurt. So, off we went. The place we went actually had whoppers for my frozen yogurt and I was beside myself. Just at dinner we were talking about a frozen yogurt place in Blue Springs that we used to frequent; I always got whoppers in my ice cream there and have yet since found a place with whoppers. Needless to say, I got whoppers (and kit kat, too).

There were no good movie times left at the theater, so we came back to the house. We took a few pictures before putting our jammies on. We chose a movie to watch, I feel asleep as always, and at some point we all decided it was time for bed. When the dogs came inside to go to their beds we all realized that it STANK. 

Turns out Remy had been skunk’d. He reeked and was foaming and drooling like crazy. Mark ran around the backyard with a flashlight looking for clues while Emily got the skunk kit. While looking for the skunk kit she saw a mouse run across the garage (thank you, remodel). Apparently skunks have been spotted in the neighborhood before and that’s why there was a skunk kit in place. We ended up bating both dogs in a cleaning solution and plan to call the vet in the morning just to make sure that there are no other steps necessary to eradicate the skunk from the boys.

After showering off, myself, I believe that now everyone is in bed.  Here’s hoping that tomorrow brings more adventures, just maybe not as stressful ones.

The one with Love & Chaos

I have had a couple of songs on my mind today:

God Only Knows

I may not always love you

But long as there are stars above you

You never need to doubt it

I'll make you so sure about it

God only knows what I'd be without you

If you should ever leave me

Though life would still go on believe me

The world could show nothing to me

So what good would living do me

God only knows what I'd be without you

God only knows what I'd be without you

If you should ever leave me

Well life would still go on believe me

The world could show nothing to me

So what good would living do me

God only knows what I'd be without you

God only knows what I'd be without you

God only knows

The other song, 

Love is All Around

I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes.

Well love is all around me, and so the feeling grows.

It´s written on the wind, it´s everywhere I go.

So if you really love me, come on and let it show.

You know I love you, I always will.

My mind's made up by the way that I feel,

there´s no beginning, there´ll be no end

cause on my love you can depend.

I see your face before me as I lay on my bed

I kinda get to thinking, of all the things you said.

You gave your promise to me, and I gave mine to you.

I need someone beside me in everything I do.

You know I love you...

It´s written on the wind...

come on and let it show

I have been thinking a lot about love lately (and apparently Love Actually, too). Although there are a number of whirlwinds happening around me, I have been seeing and feeling love like never before. Actually, I feel as though this love has always been around me, but I am more aware of its presence. I feel loved when a friend takes me out to a movie and sits with me until 2 a.m. attempting to help me sort through my life. I feel loved when I help bake cookies for my uncle's lunches and when I am asked to go with friends to Royals games. I feel loved when a cousin flies me out to visit her or when another cousin invites me to have dinner with his family. I feel loved when a friend asks me to stay the night and drink a margarita with me. I feel loved when friends want to dream about going on faraway adventures with me and even when agreeing to a visit regardless of allergy issues. I feel loved when my pup chooses to sleep with me at night and when she bites my feet when I get home. I feel loved when a former teacher wants to grab lunch and catch up. I feel loved when my god-brother wants me to watch a movie with him. I feel loved when people entrust me with their errands. I feel loved when I have Skype dates and when I get notes in the mailbox. I feel loved when my mom and I spend the day together and chat late into the night. I feel loved when my dad agrees to help me and take me to the airport. I feel loved when I look at the bookshelf and see my favorite books from childhood still there.

When I am aware of how much love there is all around, even in the mundane, I have hope for the future. Hope for my own personal future, hope for the future of those I care about, and hope for humanity.

“Just because everything goes wrong doesn’t mean it has to be a bad day. Enjoy the chaos.” 


Enjoy the chaos and love the mundane.

The One With a Tree Grows in Brooklyn

"It is necessary that she believe. She must start out believing in things not of this world. Then when the world becomes too ugly for living in, the child can reach back and live in her imagination... only by having these things in my mind can I live beyond what I have to live for."


"It's a beautiful religion and I wish I understood it more. No. I don't want to understand it at all. It's beautiful because it's always a mystery, like God Himself is a mystery. Sometimes I say I don't believe in God. But I only say that when I'm mad at Him... Because I do! I do!"


"Dear God, let me be something every minute of every hour of my life. Let me be gay; let me be sad. Let me be cold; let me be warm. Let me be hungry... have too much to eat. Let me be ragged or well dressed. Let me be sincere- be deceitful. Let me be truthful; let me be a liar. Let me be honorable and let me sin. Only let me be something every blessed minute. And when I sleep, let me dream all the time so that not one little piece of living is ever lost."


"People always think that happiness is a faraway thing, something complicated and hard to get. Yet, what little things can make it up; a place of shelter when it rains - a cup of strong hot coffee when you're blue; for a man, a cigarette for contentment; a book to read when you're alone- just to be with someone you love. Those things make happiness."


"The last time of anything has the poignancy of death itself... Oh, the last time how clearly you see everything; as though a magnifying light had been turned on. And you grieve because you hadn't held it tighter when you had it every day."


"To look at everything always as though you were seeing it either for the first or last time. Thus is your time on earth filled with glory."


I finally finished the book A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. I was reading it with my dear friend Stiggy Frazon. Per usual, I finished it much later than anticipated. It is, however, one of the largest books that I have ever mastered and for that, I am proud of myself. The above quotes are a few of my favorites from the book. Some of them I am even trying out as new life mottos.


I finished the book yesterday when I got to Warrensburg. I was helping some of my other dear friends (Brook and Jake Coughran) pack and load a moving van that they would take with them back to Illinois. It was a long day of hauling belongings up and downs stairs in the sun, but I would not have wanted to miss it. It was nice, although sad too, to spend some moments with these people before they left. It has been 6 years that we have lived close and realized all too late that we did not take advantage of that fact like we could/should have. A lot has happened in those 6 six years and out of those years an amazing friendship has been maintained. I have no doubt that it will continue on that way even with the larger distance now between us.


A change has occurred in my life recently. People I used to be distanced from by miles are now closer and those I was located near are now not as close. Life has an interesting way of playing out sometimes...