The one with the feelin'

Free Falling- Tom Petty

She's a good girl, loves her mama

Loves Jesus and America too

She's a good girl, crazy 'bout Elvis

Loves horses and her boyfriend too

It's a long day livin' in Reseda

There's a freeway runnin' through the yard

And I'm a bad boy, 'cause I don't even miss her

I'm a bad boy for breakin' her heart

And I'm free, I'm free fallin'

All the vampires walkin' through the valley

Move west down Ventura Blvd

And all the bad boys are standing in the shadows

All the good girls are home with broken hearts

And I'm free, I'm free fallin'

I wanna glide down over Mulholland

I wanna write her name in the sky

I wanna free fall out into nothin'

Gonna leave this world for awhile

And I'm free, free fallin'

I had a feelin' that last night was gonna be a good, good night. And it was. A big hearty thank you to: Katie, Tracie, Amanda, Meaghan, and the 'care cab'!

The one with learning prejudices

I’m beginning to recognize certain prejudices that I have but was unaware of, and I’m learning to readjust my thinking. Why? Because I am now living some of the prejudices that I put on people.

Moving back home.

Divorce.

Not getting a wanted job.

These are just a few.

I used to always have certain thoughts about people that move back home or that never left home at all. I formerly used words like bum, failure, and typical to describe my feelings of people who stay put. I used to wonder how they could be satisfied with the same thing, the same place, the same people, the same, the same, the same. Now that I am back, however, I find a certain comfort in things that are the same. I am finding comfort in reuniting with some of the same people that I used to share this little space of Missouri, home, with. I am learning that not everything is as it seems. Not everyone comes home or stays put for the same reasons and everyone has their reasons for doing what they do. I am learning to be satisfied in knowing why I do the things I do.

Before now, I had in my brain that divorce was silly, which I still think to some extent. I used to think that it was for the immature and the noncommittal.  I used to think that anyone could work their problems out, which again, I still think they can. In this instance, I’m learning that it really does take two. Like so many things in life, love and commitment are choices to be made and making a marriage work takes two people choosing to do so, choosing to work on their problems. I am learning that divorce does not make me a misfit, just a statistic, a young fool, or a girl blinded by love. Divorce gives me a chance to replant a seed in my heart and see what blossoms from it.

In terms of job searching, I am learning that it still takes time and patience even with a degree and ‘limited’ experience. I am so anxious to use the degree I sought after, paid for, and received.  I want to be able to have a job that I am good at, that I love, that pays my bills, and that makes sense for my life. I am anxious to make money and save money. I want to save for the things I long for…a house, and a chance to get back to my niche in France.

All in all, I am learning what it means to love others no matter their life situation. I am learning to refrain from seeing other’s experiences through my lenses of opinion and prejudice. I am learning that although my life’s course may not be ideal, it can still be perfect, because it’s mine and because I have choices. I am learning to accept others and myself.

Also, I could not be happier about the people I am choosing to surround myself with currently, although there are a few missing due to distance and other whatnots.

"Do not listen to your own weak heart, but to the conscience that nothing can bribe or silence." -A Long Fatal Love Chase, Louisa May Alcott

The one with the therapeutic list

I’m learning that so many things in life come down to making choices.

Things I find therapeutic:

-       Rainstorms. Not thunder storms necessarily, but rainstorms, yes.

-       Bursts of profanity.

-       Eating with old friends.

-       Visiting with family.

-       Playing/cuddling with the pup.

-       Organizing/cleaning.

-       Actually finishing a book.

-       Singing loudly in the car.

-       Naps.

-       Painting my nails.

-       Baking cookies and other goodies.

-       Yoga. I really should work that back into my schedule… I need to be able to reach my toes by the end of summer.

-       Sleeping in or going to the cheap movie on Sunday mornings.

“Listening for voices, but it's the choices that make us who we are.” –Anberlin, Unwinding Cable Car

The one with choosing to be happy

Tonight was spent much the same as it was 11 years ago. 11 years ago tonight I was sitting in the front yard with my parents, watching the fireworks, playing with the dogs, and reflecting on how much my grandpa’s death earlier that day would begin to affect our lives. Tonight, I sat in the front yard with my parents, watched the fireworks, played with different dogs (they had a picnic), and reflected on past men in my life.

It’s interesting how different situations can affect people in such similar ways. Death and divorce both leave a sense of loneliness and loss. I have always thought that happiness was a choice, but it was not until the last few weeks that I have really started to believe it. I see destruction, death, loneliness, fear, sadness, anxiety, and stress all around me. I have felt such an array of emotions in the last three months and am starting to realize that although I often feel alone, I am not. I find ways to choose to be happy. I am also starting to recognize that even some of the happiest people I know deal with destruction, death, loneliness, fear, sadness, anxiety, and stress. There is always a choice to be happy.

Even though I have moments that I choose to be sad and trudge through grief and moments I choose to be livid and work through more grief I am starting to find myself choosing to make and enjoy happy times more and more often.

Today, before the firework viewing in the front yard, my dad and I went to the New Theater Restaurant. The show was ‘Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat’. The lunch was as to be expected, yummy. I ate ocean perch, mashed potatoes, rolls, green beans, and chicken. I also enjoyed a fancy rum and coke and crème brulee for dessert. The unfortunate thing about the rum and coke was that I was up late the night before with my friend Amanda, so I was unusually sleepy after the rum set in.

Who doesn’t love the movie ‘Sister Act’? I know that, as ridiculous as it may be, Amanda and I like to watch it and did so last night. We also love to chat early into the morning and talk of all the books we want to read together, the meanings we’ve found so far in life, and of all the silly things we remember from high school.

Yesterday, before the movie watching, I met up with my friend Kara. We caught up on what has been happing in Springfield, what has been happening in Independence, and what might be happening in the future. Talking with her was the catalyst for my being aware of happiness being a choice and for that I choose to happy.

Friday my mom and I spent the day at Powell Gardens and ate lunch at the Thyme Cafe. It was hot. It was sticky. We sweat. We walked, a lot. We broke down and we rode the trolley. The gardens were beautiful and I remembered how much I enjoyed working at the gardens a few summer’s ago. It’s a peaceful place and it was nice to share it with my mom.

In choosing to be happy, I see a happy face in the above photo: flower on top right

I am so happy to have such an assortment of people around to share life with. I am remembering how fun it is to go out, stay up late, and have good friends and family around. I had a good weekend and am excited to extent it through tomorrow and spend time on the water with my cousin Justin, his wife Katie, and the ever adorable Adeline.

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)

There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)

And a time to every purpose, under Heaven

A time to be born, a time to die

A time to plant, a time to reap

A time to kill, a time to heal

A time to laugh, a time to weep

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)

There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)

And a time to every purpose, under Heaven

A time to build up, a time to break down

A time to dance, a time to mourn

A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)

There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)

And a time to every purpose, under Heaven

A time of love, a time of hate

A time of war, a time of peace

A time you may embrace, a time to refrain from embracing

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)

There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)

And a time to every purpose, under Heaven

A time to gain, a time to lose

A time to rend, a time to sew

A time for love, a time for hate

A time for peace, I swear it's not too late

- The Byrds, or as listened to today, Dolly Parton