The One where Hope is Trapped

Death, life, and hope have been heavy on mind and heart lately. On many occasions recently I've had the pleasure of sitting around multiple tables with so many of the dearest people in my world. During these times at the table there have been tears of grief, tears of laughter, games played (I lost more than seems fair), memories shared, and new memories made.

Entirely too many people that I know are currently experiencing the grief that comes from the death of a loved one. Whether young or old, sick or healthy, rich or poor, acquaintance or kin, I believe that with death comes a special kind of hope. Hope that dear ones will be there to show you love, hope that you will again be in a place together to reunite with the one that left, hope that you will live this short life with a full heart, and hope that when death comes for you that you will accept it with peace and elegance.

"When illness enters a home, not only does it take hold of a body, it also weaves a dark web between hearts, a web where hope is trapped." This quote from Muriel Barbery's book The Elegance of the Hedgehog keeps coming back to me. It gives life and movement to the idea of hope and paints a beautiful picture of what it looks like to be trapped in the sticky webs of the heart.

For those greiving, know you are loved and trust in the power of hope.

The One with 2014

2015 has only just begun and already there has been much reflection on 2014.

Although the ringing in of 2014 was the most fun I have ever had on a New Year's Eve, the next 365 days did not follow suit. The last year was, most certainly, the strangest and hardest year of my life. I have had strange and hard seasons of my life, but last year seemed to be one continuous strange and hard season.

2014 brought with it an array of employment choices. It also offered many miles to travel, dreams to chase, relationships to gain and change, and goals to achieve. Even through all the good of the year, the overwhelming feelings of uncertainty and confusion that loom about me are what make me certain that 2015 must be nothing but better than the last.

2014 Highlights:

Chicago Trip

Lent

Springfield, Tulsa, Denver Trip

North Carolina Trip

Months of housesitting

Paying off my car loan and one student loan

New York Trip

Colorado Trip

Working and making friends at the Jerusalem Cafe

The health of my family

Royals baseball

Meeting my New Year's Resolutions (to write one blog post a month and to read 12 books)


Big love and cheers to new adventures and appreciation in 2015!

xoxo

The One with It's a Wonderful Life

George Bailey became an utterly relatable character to me last night. After a nice dinner, my parents and I found ourselves amongst many other folks in the holiday spirit and settling in for a showing of the beloved classic "It's a Wonderful Life".

George's character had big dreams and high hopes of leaving his hometown behind, seeing the world, and generally being successful. These big dreams and high hopes match my own fairly fantastically. Throughout the film George continually jumps hurdles and overcomes obstacles. The motivation behind the decision to stay and face these things was largely due to the people in his life. Time after time he postponed seeing the world to help and share with those around him. By the end of the film George realized that even though his big dreams and high hopes played out differently than he wanted he was still a success and that his life was wonderful as evidenced by the lives he touched. He is even told by his guardian angel, Clarence, that, "no man is a failure who has friends."

People, be them friends or family, make my world go round. For every big dream or high hope I have for my future, nothing is as beautiful or motivating as those near to my heart. After the credits of the film had rolled I had two experiences with folks near to my heart. First, as I was leaving my seat I spotted a teacher friend of mine from high school. I called out to this man and he happily leapt across the aisle to converse with my parents and me. Through several hugs and numerous stories I felt my heart swell for such an unexpected opportunity to catch up. The second experience was a conversation with my cousin about the power of hope, specifically in a situation involving others that we love and care so much about.

For as scary as some dreams can be and for as often as I am confused about the direction I am headed in life, at least I have friends and a home. Strong, real, adventurous, hilarious, and supportive friends. Even if I never own my own business or never live in Colorado I will not call my life a failure because I have friends. My friends, my family, are what make my life a success.

"Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?" -Clarence, It's a Wonderful Life

The One with NYC Friendsgiving Thankfuls

For as long as I can remember, or maybe for as long as I have been watching the show F-R-I-E-N-D-S, I have wanted to spend the Thanksgiving holiday with my friends. Not that I do not love my family and enjoy our Thanksgiving traditions, truth be told some of them are actually my favorites; I have just always wanted to spend the holiday a little differently. That said, I have also always wanted to go to the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade in New York City.

This year all of that happened. Friendsgiving day started early so we could get a spot on the street to watch the parade. For as exhausted and chilled as I was I could not have been happier to see the giant balloons and floats pass by as I was standing with my friends.

 Snowflakes were tumbling down after the parade as we made our way from attraction to attraction… Staten Island, The Statue of Liberty, 9/11 Memorial, Wall Street, etc.

The 9/11 Memorial was incredible. It is beautiful, moving, and humbling. Being there, especially on Thanksgiving, made for some very thankful reflections. In those moments standing there listening to the waterfalls, reading the names inscribed on the monuments, learning about the Survivor Tree, and remembering that day in history I was thankful to be with my friends and to live in a nation of resilience, survival, and rebirth. 

Walking home from the memorial and passing so many people sitting and shivering on the sidewalks I became thankful for the things I often take for granted- life’s necessities. Knowing that I would be making and sharing food later that night with friends old and new then made me thankful for having the means to celebrate and to make new memories. 

Friendsgiving 2014 was awesome and definitely blew that one Thanksgiving that I had swine flu out of the water. Friendsgiving 2014 was special and I hope to celebrate more Friendsgivings in the years to come and to make more mashed potatoes on the floor.

The One with #BeRoyal

Everything about work is hard. Deciding to leave a job is hard. Leaving is hard. Looking and applying is hard. Interviewing is hard. Being rejected is hard. Getting a new job and starting new routines is hard. It is especially hard to find an acceptable balance between what you are willing and able to sacrifice for a new job and what the true non-negotiable stuff is. Who needs two consecutive days off anyway?

I have, for the better part of my life, lived my life for others. That meant putting others goals and expectations on myself rather than making my own. From birth through high school that looked like getting good grades and keeping out of trouble to make my parents proud. In college that meant finding a man to marry and making his dreams my dreams. After my divorce life was a little different. It wasn't so much about living as it was about simply surviving. Now that I am examining what it looks like to make my life my own I am overwhelmed and confused most of the time. Now that I have time for myself I want to be free to chase the dreams I have for myself.

Dreams do not often come true overnight, I realize this, but when it comes to the things I want I am generally impatient. Much like the 29 years that the Royals waited to make it back to the World Series I too will have to wait to make a move to Colorado. Only I hope it does not take that long.

For now, I am doing my best to adjust to a new job and the idea of staying in Kansas City for a while longer. Let’s be real though, what a fun time this is to be in Kansas City!

#BeRoyal #Baseball

The One with the Wall

Today is beautiful. The sun is shining and the words are encouraging. I am reminded today of what it means to carry each other's burdens. What it means to listen. What it means to be honest. What it means to uplift. And what it means to accept uncertainties, truth, and encouragement. My huddle of encouragers has been impecciblably timed and a complete godsend. 

I have been unusually bummed recently with the misfortune of innumerable career rejections and the feeling of stagnation in my current chapter of life. Being single is great and a choice I am making, but when most others around me have a different way of life and I do not have a desire to adapt to the same dreams, I find myself asking, "isn't there more to life?" Typically I pride myself on looking for the positives and holding fast to the positives in situations. Lately, however, staying positive has simply left me exhausted. A dear friend recently reminded me that it is natural and ok, even good and healthy, to allow myself to experience these feelings, to work through them, and to learn from them. I need to allow myself this time to feel these things and trust that the encouraging words from irreplaceable friends and family will eventually carry me through.

Often I find it easier to be positive about other people's burdens than it is to be about my own. There is something to be said about being trusted and invited to trudge alongside someone's struggles, however, I tend to want to trudge through mine alone. I am reluctant to accept help and often even simple encouragement. If I cannot accept this from others I cannot be expcected to accept this from myself. This must change. I want to believe and trust enough to feel real things, to encourage myself and others, and to see the beauty in every day. Because even in the shitty days, there is still beauty to be seen, no matter how deeply buried.

The wall I put up and call independence makes accepting encouragement a challenge that I need not add to the load I already carry. I am working hard to find a balance between being independent and positive and simply having a wall of impenetrable vulnerability.

My go-to song at the moment

The One with Japan... A Year Late

Somehow I've let an entire year pass without posting about a wonderful vacation to Japan where I visited a fun and favorite friend. This time last year I was in...

Tokyo...

First trip to Disneyland: rides, popcorn buckets, ice cream, sunburn, Captain EO, and princesses.

 

Rickshaw ride in a typhoon: this guy was beastly impressive.

Delicious foods: I picked up on using chop sticks very quickly with a hunger in my belly.

Astounding scenery: everything was so colorful and busy even in the rain. The typhoon was the loudest thing I've ever heard and the people were the quietest I've ever heard. 

Hostel life: not pictured is our Finnish male roommate who was always in his underpants, worked as a mailman, and regaled us with the legend of Santa Claus. 

Sendai...

Thrift store shopping: Fuxing sexy

Delicious foods: sushi and donuts.

Precious kiddos: Ms. Mallory's class at MeySen Academy.

Random times: arcade games and Big Buddha. Not pictured: karaoke, daily consumption of rice balls, and me buying out the supply of milk tea from the dollar store.