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Dreamer. Reader. Traveler.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

The One with the Wall

Today is beautiful. The sun is shining and the words are encouraging. I am reminded today of what it means to carry each other's burdens. What it means to listen. What it means to be honest. What it means to uplift. And what it means to accept uncertainties, truth, and encouragement. My huddle of encouragers has been impecciblably timed and a complete godsend. 

I have been unusually bummed recently with the misfortune of innumerable career rejections and the feeling of stagnation in my current chapter of life. Being single is great and a choice I am making, but when most others around me have a different way of life and I do not have a desire to adapt to the same dreams, I find myself asking, "isn't there more to life?" Typically I pride myself on looking for the positives and holding fast to the positives in situations. Lately, however, staying positive has simply left me exhausted. A dear friend recently reminded me that it is natural and ok, even good and healthy, to allow myself to experience these feelings, to work through them, and to learn from them. I need to allow myself this time to feel these things and trust that the encouraging words from irreplaceable friends and family will eventually carry me through.

Often I find it easier to be positive about other people's burdens than it is to be about my own. There is something to be said about being trusted and invited to trudge alongside someone's struggles, however, I tend to want to trudge through mine alone. I am reluctant to accept help and often even simple encouragement. If I cannot accept this from others I cannot be expcected to accept this from myself. This must change. I want to believe and trust enough to feel real things, to encourage myself and others, and to see the beauty in every day. Because even in the shitty days, there is still beauty to be seen, no matter how deeply buried.

The wall I put up and call independence makes accepting encouragement a challenge that I need not add to the load I already carry. I am working hard to find a balance between being independent and positive and simply having a wall of impenetrable vulnerability.

My go-to song at the moment

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